Project: Richard's Birthday
by KeepingUpDisappearances
Summary: Richard's birthday is coming up, and Hyacinth has a huge party planned; however, not even Hyacinth 'Bouquet' can organize and prepare the entire party herself. She'll need a helper-namely, her neighbor Elizabeth. It's a big project, and though Liz is glad to help, she hopes that her tendency to cause accidents will not bring the whole plan to a halt!


Hyacinth Bucket—that's _Bouquet_ to you—removed Richard's empty plate from the table and immediate washed it by hand until it was spotless. After returning it to the cupboard, Hyacinth quickly wiped up the two pesky crumbs that Richard had so carelessly allowed to fall off of his plate and onto the once-clean table.

Richard had just had a very nice breakfast, and he wanted to "have a read in the back garden". He had just started reading _To Kill a Mockingbird_ and was already very involved in the story. His plans, however, were dashed by his wife.

"Richard, I need you to go to the garden center and get some pots for the new tulip bulbs I'm planting," Hyacinth commanded.

"Now?" Richard exclaimed.

"Richard! How willing you are!" Hyacinth exclaimed, sounding delighted. "_So_ very devoted to your wife's gardening ambitions! I'm glad you wish to go _now!_"

"But…"

"Don't worry, I won't be lonely! Elizabeth is coming for tea, of course. Off you go!"

Richard sighed. Hyacinth had an odd way of interpreting other peoples' words and tones of voice. Still, it would do not good to protest. Perhaps he would get a suet cake for the bird feeder, as long as he was at the garden center. There were so many birds now he had installed a bird feeder on the front lawn.

"Goodbye, Richard, and mind the road!" Hyacinth called after him.

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang. It was Liz, of course, and Hyacinth let her in, pleasantly remarking that she was on time.

"You must try this new coffee, Elizabeth," Hyacinth said as they entered the kitchen. "It's quite delicious."

Liz politely declined the offer. "I really am trying to cut down on coffee," she said.

"Nonsense, Elizabeth! You must try this coffee. It's got just the right hint of cocoa in it."

Liz relented. Hyacinth really was trying to be a gracious hostess, she admitted to herself. It was just that Hyacinth got a little commandeering when it came to what her guests would eat or drink. Liz accepted the cup of coffee and took a cursory sip.

Hyacinth began to talk about Rose's latest romantic crisis, which surprised Liz. Though Hyacinth had accepted the fact that Liz and Emmett had met the 'socially less fortunate' side of Hyacinth's family, she had not talked openly about any of them until now, except to answer an occasional question about how they were faring.

Hyacinth confided in Liz that she truly wished Rose would settle down, or just go and _finally _give up men, if that were at all possible. Anything but this—she hated to see her sister go through one breakup after another.

Liz frowned. She sensed something odd about Hyacinth's frankness. Why was her neighbor telling her about Rose's romantic exploits?

"Has Emmett ever thought about, you know, starting over?" Hyacinth asked, as if it was a completely reasonable question. "He would be _such_ a steadying influence on Rose,"

Liz felt the beaker slip from her hands, but she caught it by the handle just in time. Unfortunately, the coffee spilled, but this time Hyacinth did not complain. Turning a deaf ear to Liz's offer to clean up the rug, Hyacinth did the task herself as she waited for Liz's answer.

"I'm afraid not, Hyacinth," Liz managed to say. "Emmett is still recovering from his divorce. He took it very hard."

"Oh, that's too bad," Hyacinth said. "I actually need your help, dear, if you would."

"With Rose?" Liz asked, bewildered.

"No, no, no," Hyacinth said, sounding annoyed. "With Richard's birthday!"

"Oh," Liz said. "I didn't know the subject had changed."

Hyacinth produced two pencils and two pieces of paper from a drawer in the kitchen and set them on the table, giving on pen and one sheet of paper to Liz, but did not give any further instructions.

"Well, Hyacinth, what do you want me to do?" Liz asked after a pause.

"Why, write down your ideas, of course!" Hyacinth exclaimed, as if it should have been obvious. "You get along very well with Richard and he likes visiting you, too, so I thought we could work on this together."

Liz suppressed a worried frown. It had just occurred to her now that helping Hyacinth with Richard's birthday celebration would require her to put forth ideas and suggestions. Liz was all too aware what often happened when she gave suggestions.

"Hurry up, Elizabeth," Hyacinth said. "Before Richard comes home."

Liz handed a note to Hyacinth.

_Dinner at the pub where Richard likes to meet Emmett and Onslow_

_Casual candlelight supper—with guests of Richard's choice_

_Surprise party at the church hall (I'm sure the vicar would be willing to help)_

Liz waited as Hyacinth scanned the list. Finally Hyacinth laid down the paper and gave Liz her most patronizing expression.

"That's very nice, dear," Hyacinth said cheerfully. "We'll try your church hall idea."

Liz had to fight to keep from staring at the hostess.

Hyacinth had approved on of Liz's ideas.

…

"Really?" Emmett said as Liz prepared supper for herself and her brother. "Hyacinth actually _liked_ your idea?"

Liz nodded. "Strange, isn't it?"

"Well, she'll probably just commandeer the whole thing now," Emmett said.

"I really do think she'll want more of my input," Liz remarked.

At that moment the telephone rang. Liz gave Emmett temporary control of cutting up fresh oregano for the spaghetti sauce and walked out of the kitchen to pick up the receiver in the other room. It was Hyacinth, and Liz was on the telephone for five minutes, with complete silence on her end. When at last she was able to hang up, Liz returned quickly to the kitchen.

"I'll take that," Liz said to her brother, mixing the oregano into the sauce.

"Who was that, Liz?" Emmett asked.

"I'll give you a hint," Liz answered drily. "I couldn't get a word in edgewise."

Emmett nodded knowingly as Liz launched into a summary of the conversation. In short, over the next two days she was to go to Hyacinth's house for tea as usual, but Richard would be sent out to do some errand or task. That would assure that Hyacinth and Liz would be free to discuss the finer points of the plan.

"You're in for it now, Liz," Emmett grinned.

…

Hyacinth certainly was dedicated to getting this party for Richard organized. She and Liz spent an hour on each of the two mornings exchanging ideas. Admittedly, Hyacinth did 'shoot down' a number of Liz's ideas, but she also took a few into consideration.

The two of them worked only during their usual tea time, as to not make Richard suspicious. Hyacinth kept him out of the way with various tasks, but that was far from unusual, so that did not clue Richard to anything unusual.

"I think," Hyacinth said when almost everything was organized, "you can help with the dinner, and we'll work on setting up the decorations. With a big celebration, things have to be _just right_. The smallest error in a decorative theme can throw off the air of the whole party."

Liz hid a smile. There was another 'Hyacinthian' etiquette tip.

"The vicar is letting us borrow the church hall on Richard's birthday," Hyacinth said two days later. "His birthday's on Monday next week. I want to go to the church hall to set up the decorations and leave time to spare, in case something happens. I don't think anything _could_ happen; you know me, I'm a natural organizer. Still, one must have _some_ level of caution."

Liz wondered if Hyacinth cared more about making the party perfect than about how much Richard would like it, but she squelched that thought. Probably this was the only way Hyacinth could channel a way to show Richard how much she appreciated him.

"We'll make some of the food in the church hall kitchen, and the rest will be cold dishes that we'll keep fresh in the refrigerator. Very nice of the vicar to let us have full use of the church hall—he must really appreciate me and trust me, letting me have that privilege."

Liz managed to turn a laugh into a hacking cough. Luckily Hyacinth didn't notice, as she was jotting down the guest list.

"I know Richard really likes Onslow, despite the fact that Onslow calls him 'Dickie' and lives in squalor, so I've invited him," Hyacinth said begrudgingly.

It was the first time, as far as Liz knew, that Hyacinth had willingly invited Onslow to any social function. Hyacinth really was thinking of Richard all the while. Liz wondered for a moment why Hyacinth's sisters weren't invited, but she was too discreet to ask.

"I'm having a small 'after party' at home that my sisters will also attend," Hyacinth said, as if reading Liz's mind (which Liz dearly hoped was impossible). "I don't want Rose around the vicar, but it would be rude to invite Daisy and Violet but not her to the party at the church hall. Onslow is a good friend of Richard's—though I still can't see why, so it won't seem unusual that he's especially invited to the church hall party."

…

The day of the party was sunny and cool. No rain was predicted for that evening, alleviating Hyacinth's fears. As she had said to Liz the week before, "it would be so unfortunate to have people coming to the party with damp hair or clothes. Crispness in dress and appearance makes the party, I say."

The decorating began. Liz often reflected, many months afterward, how she could have gotten through the process of preparing for the party at the church hall. There were a lot of paper streamers and silk flowers for the tables, chairs and walls, and Hyacinth steered a straight ship when it came to getting the decorations just right.

"No, Liz," Hyacinth said at one point. "_Drape_ the streamers on the chairs! Don't let them hang slack in the middle."

Liz adjusted this little 'imperfection' and went to work on folding the napkins neatly. Hyacinth sauntered by when Liz was halfway through this and gave a cluck of disapproval. Liz sighed heavily.

"You must make the fold _crisper,_ dear," Hyacinth reproved her neighbor. "It is these minor details that really lend elegance and the feeling that attention was carefully paid."

Thus, according to Hyacinth's decree, Liz re-folded the napkins so that the edges of the folds were 'crisp' enough for Hyacinth.

"That's better, dear," Hyacinth said, nodding. "Now, I want you to make the cucumber sandwiches."

"How many, Hyacinth?" Liz asked.

"Well, we've got about ten guests, so you can make twenty of them," Hyacinth replied. Liz headed off into the kitchen to prepare the sandwiches. It was a relief now to do something away from Hyacinth.

For then, Liz quickly realized. She was through about five cucumbers sandwiches when Hyacinth strolled in, loudly announcing her arrival. Startled, Liz nearly dropped an entire jar of mayonnaise on the floor. As with the beaker a few days ago, she caught the jar just in time to keep the whole thing from exploding on the floor—but a good amount ended up on the floor, anyway.

"Oh, _Liz,_" reprimanded Hyacinth. "Is there something wrong with your hands? Perhaps you should see a hand specialist. You've got rather slack hands sometimes."

Liz drew a deep breath and turned away to search for a rag, mop and bucket—or was that _bouquet?_ Liz nearly laughed aloud as that play on words entered her thoughts. When she located the items, she diligently started work on cleaning up the mess.

"Do hurry, dear," Hyacinth ordered five minutes later. "I have to be at the counter to make the cake and you're in the way."

Liz sighed but continued working diligently at cleaning up the oily mess. She wondered what it had been like when Hyacinth had planned her and Richard's wedding celebration—Liz could not even imagine that, or perhaps she didn't want to.

The mess was removed in time, and Hyacinth went to work making a large and elaborate-sounding cake. ("Red velvet with chocolate ganashe, lemon buttercream frosting and a garnish of minced macadamia nuts and orange peel.")

"Well, you have excellent dedication to make a cake like that. It sounds like so much work," Liz complimented Hyacinth.

"Nonsense, dear," Hyacinth replied in a patronizing tone. "These things come so easily to someone who's made elegant delicacies through all these years."

_Well, so much for that compliment,_ Liz thought as she put away the cleaning supplies. She quickly returned in order to fetch what Hyacinth needed to make the cake. After that, she returned to making the cucumber sandwiches, being extra careful (perhaps to the point of mild paranoia) not to make another mess.

…

"You may go home, dear, until six o'clock," Hyacinth said half an hour later, as if granting a great favor. "That will give us enough time to make the hot foods and set up the table with my gilt Royal Doulton china."

"I didn't know you had another set of Royal Doulton," Liz said, feeling nervous already. Surely Hyacinth wouldn't want her to help with putting them at the table?

"Of course, I don't expect you to handle the china," Hyacinth continued. "Perhaps when you get that hand problem checked out and fixed…but I can't risk having something go wrong tonight."

Liz smiled in relief, though she had been hard-pressed not to laugh at Hyacinth's mention of her 'hand problem'.

…

"Hand problem?" Emmett said, laughing uproariously. "Dear sister, _of course_ you must get your hand problem checked out! It would be such an extraordinary case! Onset of symptoms only when dealing with fussy, overpowering neighbors!"

"Oh, shut up," Liz said playfully.

"If this wasn't for Richard's birthday, I wouldn't be going," Emmett declared.

Liz snorted. "Because we all know how successful you've been in telling Hyacinth 'no'," she giggled. Emmett glared at her.

"You can't handle the truth, can you?" Liz said grinning.

Liz wrote a letter to her husband while waiting for the fateful hour. She kept a careful eye on the clock—she dared not be late.

"I wonder if your idea of how to surprise Richard will work," Emmett commented. Liz had suggested that Onslow swing by the 'Bouquet residence' to fetch Richard, under the pretense that he and Emmett wanted to go to a corner pub with Richard. They would then bring Richard to the church hall instead.

"Of course it will work out! One, I'm your sister—two, I'm smarter than you—"

"Hey!"

"Did I say that?" Liz said, laughing, and then she glanced at the clock. "Time for me to be going! See you at seven o'clock—promptly!"

…

It was half an hour before the party when Liz was finished cooking her share of the hot dishes—a chicken casserole, steamed vegetables, and mushrooms stuffed with herbs, cheese, and tomatoes, which she considered her specialty. The food stayed warm in the oven along with Hyacinth's sautéed pork chops and rice pilaf.

"Take this casserole, Elizabeth, and please, _don't_ drop it," Hyacinth said a few minutes later, handing Liz her own casserole. "Your casserole dish is so very nice, even though it's just everyday porcelain. Plus, we don't want another mess like earlier."

Liz managed to keep her hands from shaking as she picked up the casserole. Hyacinth seemed to be under the impression that her words would make Liz less likely to cause another accident, while really, it was a recipe—pun intended—for disaster much of the time.

At long last, however, the table was set and the food laid out. Hyacinth, Liz, the vicar, his wife and a handful of other friends and acquaintances had gathered.

At promptly seven o'clock, Emmett and Onslow marched through the church hall doors, guiding a very bewildered Richard before them. At that moment, a cheer went up for Richard, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"All this old man?" he said, smiling.

"_Very_ old man," Onslow joked, causing everyone to laugh. Onslow was wearing a suit, much to Hyacinth's relief.

The party lasted for over an hour, and after a toast was proposed to Richard, Hyacinth stood up and opened her mouth. For a moment the guests cringed—was she going to do a solo of the 'Happy Birthday' song?

But Hyacinth did not sing.

"I'd like to thank the Vicar for letting us use the church hall," she said, "and I'd also like to thank my dear friend and neighbor, Elizabeth, for helping me pull this whole thing off!"

~FIN~


End file.
